Now we all love a good festival in the summer don't we. Music, good company, a banging band, almost-intolerable port-a-loos, warm beer, sunglasses teamed with a raincoat and burger van hot dogs.
It's the best time of the year, obviously. We can all have a dance in a field and get a little bit pissed. Life is good.
But what if you have kids? Fear not, mummies and daddies who are still actual living human beings. You can still go to a festival with small children and you can still get a little bit pissed. Here is my handy guide:
The little horrors will want to go on all manner of rides. Let them do this BEFORE any alcohol is consumed. They should be allowed to have fun, it is their summer too, even if all they have said for the whole train journey is "We're going to a FAIR FAIR FAIR" and then counted to a hundred and complained about needing a wee X a million.
Stick them on their little fairground ride, go on. Weeeeeeeee!
2) Pizza and Ice Cream
If you are going to have a lager, then they get a pizza. It keeps them content, and the yummy goodness of artificial cheese will keep them happy. If you are going to have another drink, get them an ice cream too.
3) The Port-A-Loo
Christ on a bike. You will have to visit these on more than one occasion. Take ALL children, do it in shifts and DO NOT look behind the seat or on the floor. Hold the child for dear life and DO NOT let them touch anything in the toilet whatsoever, not even the sink.
If they leave a turd in there, what can you do - it's not your fault it doesn't flush.
Set boundaries. They can dance, but only within certain boundary lines drawn by yourself. Use beer cans, e.g. "Don't go anywhere left of that beer can, or anywhere right than that one." This ensures that you can see them as they prance around at all times. Beware dogs. Your children will want to stroke every dog in sight.
If you are getting another drink - get them a pancake or a crepe or whatever. It's not just sugar they are served with anymore, get with the program this is not 1985 anymore. Your kids will want chocolate and bluberries and all kinds on there. If you have a teenager they will be ordering an over-priced milkshake filled with bits of Snickers, Oreo and Skittles whilst simultaneously complaining about the lack of a decent Wi-Fi signal.
Happy festival-ing Mummies and Daddies!