Thursday, 5 May 2016

On Killing Bill and Memories

Emily and I sat and watched Kill Bill Volume 1, and Kill Bill Volume 2 last weekend. We had popcorn. She had coke, I had wine. I thought a film that was slightly out of her age range with a strong (if ever-so-slightly-murderous) female lead would be good for us to watch together. It was.

What I didn't tell her, was that I had seen these films, both of them - more times than I care to remember. The films were made around the time she was born and most nights, I would watch some, or all of Kill Bill.

Crazy isn't it. I used to sit and watch as the lead character, The Bride is hurt. Left for dead at 8 months pregnant, she takes her bloody revenge over the course of the two films, killing anyone who gets in her way as she fights to get to Bill, the man who hurt her.

As we watched it together last weekend. I sat and remembered how I was ever-so slightly obsessed with the character of The Bride. The whole film. Watching it with Emily - the old feelings came back. I could feel the old anger rising in me as it rose in her. The sadness. The grief, almost. The need to change a character from victim to victor. And, in the end, winning.

We forget that our lives are composite. We have all of the elements of time running through us. Good times and bad times. Sometimes we make ourselves forget, or are forced to forget, to cover up. Sometimes memories are a burden.

But as I sat and watched that film with Emily, I remembered where I was. I think of where I am now. I have this drive. This passion, this energy that I put into my education. It is blind, it is furious and it absolutely has no end. I will succeed and do what I need to do with this. Because I am the victor, not the victim.

This is not the old story of me having three kids, working, running a blog and "I don't know how you do it." That was not the beginning of me.

I remember the sadness of that girl aged 20. Left alone and pregnant thinking is this my life? I remember the anger and the frustration of that. That was my beginning, and where do you go from there? You don't even know what you are facing. It is sadness, it is frustration, it is anger. Your whole life is the sum of something that someone else did to you. But, like The Bride, in the end it wasn't. Just like that.

I don't have to pretend that it didn't happen, and thankfully I don't have to grab a samurai sword and kill hundreds of people, including Bill, to feel like I have won.

I already have.

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