I've started to think about this whole life thing. I'm constantly telling my kids to do things the "right" way - but what if I as the adult am the one who is doing it wrong? And so, I tried a few of their coping-with-life strategies.
Here is how I got on:
1.) Making friends
I'm slightly socially awkward and a bit of a loner so making friends doesn't come naturally to me. However, it does to my kids. So I learned from them.
Last week I was sat in McDonald's with the kids and I spotted another woman around my age on her own. I just walked over, sat down next to her, smiled, held her hand and said "We are best friends now!"
Verdict: Stirling effort. However, possible police involvement.
I don't want to do a poo in a cold bathroom. I don't want to sit there alone while everyone else is sat in the living room chilling out, Netflix and Chill doesn't involve poo-ing does it.
So, I simply brought the potty into the living room, perched it on the thick warm rug, sat down and played Candy Crush whilst doing a poo in the comfort of my own home in full view of everyone.
Verdict: Home sweet home comforts. Divorce looming.
We went to a restaurant. I didn't like the texture of the tomatoes. I hate just chewing and chewing something that I don't like and then swallowing it. Why am I doing this?
So I simply lean over and spit it all out on the table whilst shouting at the top of my voice "DON'T LIKE IT DON'T LIKE IT."
Verdict: Honest Brave. Date nights are now dead to you.
4.) Social Media
It seems inappropriate to behave in real life as you would do online. But my pre-teen does so I gave it a go. When I was talking to my Mum the other day I told her I'd bought a new washing machine - I appended it with "Hashtag don't you wish you were me."
In a work's meeting the other day someone made a mildly amusing quip and so I just said "LOL"
Verdict: Interesting. Mother is concerned and work have offered a first written warning.
Oh I'm so tired and so very busy. All the time. So one day I just decided to cry about it. Literally threw myself on the kitchen floor and cried real tears. Then when Warren suggested that I should go to bed, I screamed in his face and told him "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO BED!" Then continued to cry great heaving sobs, snot and tears everywhere, arms and legs splayed all over the floor.
Verdict: Unhelpful. Annoying to everyone.