Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Identity Crisis, Direction and Change...

What a bloody brilliant title, eh. Inspired. (I am aware that my titles are the worst thing ever to come out of Blog-dom.)

Identity Crisis

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately. Too much, I think. The nature of this blog is that it is very honest. Sometimes this can be difficult, I don't focus on one thing, I flit around - this is how my life is. I write about something quite academic and then dress up and take the mickey out of the kids for driving me mad, and then the next day it's a review of a tea-towel. Or whatever, you get the point - this is the pattern of my day-to-day life. And so, I alienate people. If you show all sides then you are in essence revealing a part of yourself that you might not have wanted to reveal, or, I'll re-phrase that, a part that most people wold not want to reveal or share. Some things are reserved for very close friends and family. I am different in this. I don't have very close friends and family and so I tend to be an open book here, and I do whatever I like. My peers at uni might read one of my parenting posts and look at me in a different light, equally people who read the parenting posts might read my university posts and think the same. I am this wife, mum, student bum thing. And I created it, and I don't know how to get out of it. I don't even think I want to. The end result is isolation, or being split different ways. This suits me, and I love my life, don't get me wrong. It is just a very odd way to live it, and this blog reflects all of that.


I've been thinking about the direction my life is taking. I know, I know. I can hear you booing "But you're an adult, you have a job, and you're a parent, what more do you want?" It's never been enough. I can't settle for anything, I have to have my own thing that no one else can have. That is my education. I love it. I got a merit in my first essay and this is something worth shouting about. I hate to brag and I just get on with it but sometimes I sit and think. Wow. I'm working, I have three kids, the house is (reasonably) tidy, I cook from fresh every night, we take the kids to pantomimes, to museums, holidays, days out, ballet... and I'm doing a masters and I got a merit in my first essay. I get irritated by people who are tired FOR WHAT I SEE IS NO REASON and I want them to WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES. (This is ridiculous, I know - I am working on being more empathetic - we all have our own busy, right?) But I know they couldn't do it because it is hard. If it was easy then everyone would do it. But I digress...

So my direction. I'm doing what I want to do. If I had my way I would be a full time student, but as it is I am loving my masters part time. It's do-able, the reading is brilliant, I love the concepts, love being in the classroom again. My direction is there.


I am designing change for myself. I have (very quickly) realised that if I want to get on in university and be respected for my views I can't come out with statements like "Austria-Hungary went tits up." Equally I can't refer to Stalin as a "bloody maniac" or breeze into my lecturer's office and say "Ooooh I LOVE your office." I mean... I can (and have done) all of these things. But I also need to be the professional person that I want to be, I can't just be that person in my head anymore, or at midnight talking about politics with Warren over a glass of red. I can't just think "Oh well I'll be that person in a few years when I'm doing x, y or z." The time is now, I need to be that person, because you know what, I have discovered that I actually am that person underneath. I am that working class girl out of Educating Rita, with ideas above her station. I have a great sense of humour and I am sociable and quite fun to be around (sometimes!) At the same time, I have realised that I can be this academic brainbox (for want of a better phrase) when I want to. I can talk like I write. Sure, I have a long way to go and I need some coaching and practice, but I'm changing, I can feel it.

And so, today I considered retiring from blogging. I am not sure what I can offer with this, it ends up like a diary and this can only get me in trouble. No one reads blogs, right? I had initially hoped to write this to show that you can achieve anything, I'm not sure how well this is going because what I do show is that life is an eclectic mix of random things - I can't stick to one subject. I've been reading some blogs by my peers and they are research blogs. Would I scrap this one and start a research blog? Where would I swear in that one, where would be my outlet? Could I put funny pictures on it? Of course I couldn't. And so this blog stays. (Although I might give it a spruce-up for the new year.)

I'm changing and I designed this myself. Education is changing me. The people that I am around in uni - this is changing me and it is making me re-think everything.  I worry about not being myself, and I worry about resisting change, change that is bound to happen - good change! I can't present a paper as the "old me." The old me is scared of this kind of thing, plays for laughs and doesn't comment seriously for fear of ridicule. I need to be professional. It is about expressing, being articulate and knocking the chip off my shoulder that says "You shouldn't be doing this." It's not about being someone else - I am the same person, just ever-so slightly more polished. I like this person that I am moulding into.

Because I never thought I could be her.


  1. Good for you! I understand about change...but the thing is, the old you is always there underneath whether you like it or not! Perhaps the academic world needs a bold and funny sweary brainbox! :) Do what you need to do Kerrie!

    1. Thanks love. Definitely. I will still be the same-old weirdo dick me. Just a bit more refined when I need to be :) Thanks for your support today, means a lot xxx

  2. This is a brill blog :-)! I can totally relate to this. I got the education bug too after having my second child six years ago and can't seem to stop studying!! I became so fascinated by women returning to education and juggling everything that it has become the focus of my research degree. You sound like you're loving it, so keep goingxxx

  3. You definitely shouldn't give up blogging. Put it on the back burner, maybe, but don't give up.

    Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, you've summed up what I go through every now and then. I like to think that everyone feels that way sometimes.


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