Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Identity Crisis, Direction and Change...

What a bloody brilliant title, eh. Inspired. (I am aware that my titles are the worst thing ever to come out of Blog-dom.)

Identity Crisis

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately. Too much, I think. The nature of this blog is that it is very honest. Sometimes this can be difficult, I don't focus on one thing, I flit around - this is how my life is. I write about something quite academic and then dress up and take the mickey out of the kids for driving me mad, and then the next day it's a review of a tea-towel. Or whatever, you get the point - this is the pattern of my day-to-day life. And so, I alienate people. If you show all sides then you are in essence revealing a part of yourself that you might not have wanted to reveal, or, I'll re-phrase that, a part that most people wold not want to reveal or share. Some things are reserved for very close friends and family. I am different in this. I don't have very close friends and family and so I tend to be an open book here, and I do whatever I like. My peers at uni might read one of my parenting posts and look at me in a different light, equally people who read the parenting posts might read my university posts and think the same. I am this wife, mum, student bum thing. And I created it, and I don't know how to get out of it. I don't even think I want to. The end result is isolation, or being split different ways. This suits me, and I love my life, don't get me wrong. It is just a very odd way to live it, and this blog reflects all of that.

Direction

I've been thinking about the direction my life is taking. I know, I know. I can hear you booing "But you're an adult, you have a job, and you're a parent, what more do you want?" It's never been enough. I can't settle for anything, I have to have my own thing that no one else can have. That is my education. I love it. I got a merit in my first essay and this is something worth shouting about. I hate to brag and I just get on with it but sometimes I sit and think. Wow. I'm working, I have three kids, the house is (reasonably) tidy, I cook from fresh every night, we take the kids to pantomimes, to museums, holidays, days out, ballet... and I'm doing a masters and I got a merit in my first essay. I get irritated by people who are tired FOR WHAT I SEE IS NO REASON and I want them to WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES. (This is ridiculous, I know - I am working on being more empathetic - we all have our own busy, right?) But I know they couldn't do it because it is hard. If it was easy then everyone would do it. But I digress...

So my direction. I'm doing what I want to do. If I had my way I would be a full time student, but as it is I am loving my masters part time. It's do-able, the reading is brilliant, I love the concepts, love being in the classroom again. My direction is there.

Change

I am designing change for myself. I have (very quickly) realised that if I want to get on in university and be respected for my views I can't come out with statements like "Austria-Hungary went tits up." Equally I can't refer to Stalin as a "bloody maniac" or breeze into my lecturer's office and say "Ooooh I LOVE your office." I mean... I can (and have done) all of these things. But I also need to be the professional person that I want to be, I can't just be that person in my head anymore, or at midnight talking about politics with Warren over a glass of red. I can't just think "Oh well I'll be that person in a few years when I'm doing x, y or z." The time is now, I need to be that person, because you know what, I have discovered that I actually am that person underneath. I am that working class girl out of Educating Rita, with ideas above her station. I have a great sense of humour and I am sociable and quite fun to be around (sometimes!) At the same time, I have realised that I can be this academic brainbox (for want of a better phrase) when I want to. I can talk like I write. Sure, I have a long way to go and I need some coaching and practice, but I'm changing, I can feel it.

And so, today I considered retiring from blogging. I am not sure what I can offer with this, it ends up like a diary and this can only get me in trouble. No one reads blogs, right? I had initially hoped to write this to show that you can achieve anything, I'm not sure how well this is going because what I do show is that life is an eclectic mix of random things - I can't stick to one subject. I've been reading some blogs by my peers and they are research blogs. Would I scrap this one and start a research blog? Where would I swear in that one, where would be my outlet? Could I put funny pictures on it? Of course I couldn't. And so this blog stays. (Although I might give it a spruce-up for the new year.)

I'm changing and I designed this myself. Education is changing me. The people that I am around in uni - this is changing me and it is making me re-think everything.  I worry about not being myself, and I worry about resisting change, change that is bound to happen - good change! I can't present a paper as the "old me." The old me is scared of this kind of thing, plays for laughs and doesn't comment seriously for fear of ridicule. I need to be professional. It is about expressing, being articulate and knocking the chip off my shoulder that says "You shouldn't be doing this." It's not about being someone else - I am the same person, just ever-so slightly more polished. I like this person that I am moulding into.

Because I never thought I could be her.

4 comments:

  1. Good for you! I understand about change...but the thing is, the old you is always there underneath whether you like it or not! Perhaps the academic world needs a bold and funny sweary brainbox! :) Do what you need to do Kerrie!

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    1. Thanks love. Definitely. I will still be the same-old weirdo dick me. Just a bit more refined when I need to be :) Thanks for your support today, means a lot xxx

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  2. This is a brill blog :-)! I can totally relate to this. I got the education bug too after having my second child six years ago and can't seem to stop studying!! I became so fascinated by women returning to education and juggling everything that it has become the focus of my research degree. You sound like you're loving it, so keep goingxxx

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  3. You definitely shouldn't give up blogging. Put it on the back burner, maybe, but don't give up.

    Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, you've summed up what I go through every now and then. I like to think that everyone feels that way sometimes.

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