Saturday, 21 November 2015

On being the lonely one...

I was never one of the popular girls in school. But I had my own circle of friends. Then growing up in Manchester I had a lots of friends. Close friends, friends I drank with, college friends,  Things were fairly "normal" in that sense.

Fast forward a few years. A new town, new job, married with three kids, studying and it's not an exaggeration that to say at times I feel completely alone. How did this happen? What has led to me be in this self-imposed box of loneliness? Kids?

I think about this a lot. I have three young children and so I am limited with what I can do. I don't like fobbing them off on babysitters all that much as we have a lot of help from grandparents while we work. Friends seem to have dropped like flies. Did I do this? I think.....

Me: I am weird. I know this. My interests are a bit off the "normal" chart, but if I went on a night out I wouldn't talk about history or politics unless you were into that. It would bore you and I would feel stupid anyway. Do I push people away? Sometimes I am so honest. SO honest that it is difficult. I am the same person in all scenarios. I am just who I am and all of my cards are on the table all of the time. I appreciate honesty and I like to just be who I am, I don't have the ability to put anything on. Is this what is wrong? Too candid? I like to laugh. I make rude jokes and I swear a bit, especially when I have had a few. My sense of humour is batshit crazy. These are good things? No? 

Kids: Does having kids make you lonely. I do talk about them a lot but as fair as I am aware I don't smell like baby poo or vomit.  I know I am limited with where I can go with them but I can go to places without them but no-one bothers to ask. Why is this? Is it because I am weird? (See "Me" paragraph.)

Being a student: I do sit for hours in libraries and read. I like to write. I like political theory, and I want to change the world. Is this weird? I graduated and it's such an achievement, but I'm alone and I feel like I have moved on and no one has moved with me. Or maybe they left me behind long ago? I often feel like I can't fit in. But I do fit in being a student. This is my thing. But I like being with people and talking about topics I am passionate about - I am sociable. Happy, generally.

Technology: Does technology make loneliness worse? I have LOADS of mates on social media. I interact with people, but it's not the same. Sometimes I want to drink wine with other people and tell them that I feel a bit shit - or explain how happy I am. Is this all me me me? Probably. But I do care about other people. The kids hinder me with technology. (See paragraph "Kids") They usually have my phone to watch Peppa Pig. I don't know how to work the telly so I give them my phone for Youtube, (Again you might need to check my weirdness in paragraph "Me.")

So why can't I just do things that I enjoy for myself? I feel tied to this house, literally. I can't leave. It's too messy. The kids need feeding, Warren is out playing with his band or at the match, I need to physically be here.

Truth is - I can't remember what I used to do before kids. I have no idea what I did for leisure time. I don't know what it is I enjoy. I don't know who I have become, and I can't get out of any of this because I designed this life of just being alone.

I didn't do it on purpose.

All the kids' problems are my problems. I have to like what they like, because when they are happy I am happy. What makes me happy? I don't know. I can't remember. I think you need to converse with people to find out what you like. And I don't have real "people." 

I am weird. I know this. I probably have some kind of craziness lurking in my head. I think we all have a bit. I am this tortured thing, a lot of the time. But I tend to just get on with it. I do 245 things at once and don't stop for a break.When I do stop, there is no one there for me. 

I should probably just buy a diary and write this down instead of writing it here. But in keeping with the whole This is me, this is who I am, thing. Well. There you go.

I'm going to shut up now.







5 comments:

  1. I think we all feel the same way Kerrie. If I didn't have my friends to chat to on social media I would only speak to my mother in law, mum and a few mum friends at the school gate all week. I very rarely get the chance to go out and socialise, even less o just now as I'm breastfeeding. I wonder, in four or so years, when all of my children are in school, if I'm going to wake up and have to 'be me' and not have a clue how to do so.

    Looking forward to seeing you at the Co-op do. Feel free to talk history as much as you like!

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  2. I totally understand this Kerrie. Without social media, I would only have a couple of family members to talk to and my children. I have no partner and my children's father only has them three days a month. I spend those three days working! I have no idea what makes me happy. I only know that my children do and I focus all my time on them, the house and my three jobs. I never know what to do when I have a day of 'me' time (doesn't happen very often) so I generally sleep on those day. Actually, that is what makes me happy nowadays, sleep.

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  3. I think I'm weird... because I never actually watch TV any more. I just sit at the computer answering emails and blogging. Face booking. Not sure where my life went! But you're not weird, you have 3 young children. And I'd love to come out for a few wines with you 😋

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  4. I'm the same really, I home educate four kids so everything is for them. I don't have a brain left to learn anything new and don't really go out much unless it's for them. I'm on Facebook because that's where my work colleagues are!

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  5. The funny thing is, you and I sound REALLY similar and I'd absolutely love to sit down the pub with you (or the library if you prefer) talking politics, swearing too much, going on about our kids too much and making wildly inappropriate jokes. In fact, that has basically just described my ideal night out! Just a shame we live at the other ends of the country :-(

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