Fast forward a few years. A new town, new job, married with three kids, studying and it's not an exaggeration that to say at times I feel completely alone. How did this happen? What has led to me be in this self-imposed box of loneliness? Kids?
I think about this a lot. I have three young children and so I am limited with what I can do. I don't like fobbing them off on babysitters all that much as we have a lot of help from grandparents while we work. Friends seem to have dropped like flies. Did I do this? I think.....
Me: I am weird. I know this. My interests are a bit off the "normal" chart, but if I went on a night out I wouldn't talk about history or politics unless you were into that. It would bore you and I would feel stupid anyway. Do I push people away? Sometimes I am so honest. SO honest that it is difficult. I am the same person in all scenarios. I am just who I am and all of my cards are on the table all of the time. I appreciate honesty and I like to just be who I am, I don't have the ability to put anything on. Is this what is wrong? Too candid? I like to laugh. I make rude jokes and I swear a bit, especially when I have had a few. My sense of humour is batshit crazy. These are good things? No?
Kids: Does having kids make you lonely. I do talk about them a lot but as fair as I am aware I don't smell like baby poo or vomit. I know I am limited with where I can go with them but I can go to places without them but no-one bothers to ask. Why is this? Is it because I am weird? (See "Me" paragraph.)
Being a student: I do sit for hours in libraries and read. I like to write. I like political theory, and I want to change the world. Is this weird? I graduated and it's such an achievement, but I'm alone and I feel like I have moved on and no one has moved with me. Or maybe they left me behind long ago? I often feel like I can't fit in. But I do fit in being a student. This is my thing. But I like being with people and talking about topics I am passionate about - I am sociable. Happy, generally.
Technology: Does technology make loneliness worse? I have LOADS of mates on social media. I interact with people, but it's not the same. Sometimes I want to drink wine with other people and tell them that I feel a bit shit - or explain how happy I am. Is this all me me me? Probably. But I do care about other people. The kids hinder me with technology. (See paragraph "Kids") They usually have my phone to watch Peppa Pig. I don't know how to work the telly so I give them my phone for Youtube, (Again you might need to check my weirdness in paragraph "Me.")
So why can't I just do things that I enjoy for myself? I feel tied to this house, literally. I can't leave. It's too messy. The kids need feeding, Warren is out playing with his band or at the match, I need to physically be here.
Truth is - I can't remember what I used to do before kids. I have no idea what I did for leisure time. I don't know what it is I enjoy. I don't know who I have become, and I can't get out of any of this because I designed this life of just being alone.
I didn't do it on purpose.
All the kids' problems are my problems. I have to like what they like, because when they are happy I am happy. What makes me happy? I don't know. I can't remember. I think you need to converse with people to find out what you like. And I don't have real "people."
I am weird. I know this. I probably have some kind of craziness lurking in my head. I think we all have a bit. I am this tortured thing, a lot of the time. But I tend to just get on with it. I do 245 things at once and don't stop for a break.When I do stop, there is no one there for me.
I should probably just buy a diary and write this down instead of writing it here. But in keeping with the whole This is me, this is who I am, thing. Well. There you go.
I'm going to shut up now.