Friday, 11 September 2015

House Management

Early morning start 7.30am. Emergency morning meeting called to mediate between two unruly employees. The complaint was "She's getting me." Organise for employees to sit on separate sides of the couch.

Breakfast. Employee number 1 is fed and ready to start the day. Employee 2 is skiving, "I don't WANT my breakfast." Employee number 1 eats Employee number 2's breakfast.

Employee number 1 now wants breakfast and is screaming.

Emergency meeting called. 7.45am. All breakfast issues sorted. All fed and ready for work.

Proceed to check emails and manage office in usual manner. Both employees are lay on the couch drinking milk, watching fully grown adults play with toys on Youtube.

Quick coffee. Check emails. These include:

a) Co-Manager email (husband) - Senior employee was "mouthy" on the way out of the door. Suggests laptop ban and total routine change. Action scheduled immediately.

b) AW14 emails. Things our office needs. No, scratch that - things our office can't miss out on. Like gillets and wellington boots. Delete.

c) Student Emails for registration. Put in diary to complete when all employees are elsewhere.

9.00am - Scheduled office activities for the day. These include book-reading, play cup-cake making, colouring in and playing in the garden. There are a few office rules to abide by (none of these will be followed by employees only management.)

* Never do one job at once. Keep moving. Use all of your time management and mediation skills e.g. When employees are screaming at each other in the back garden -  altercation over a toy car, simply continue to peg out the washing and maybe use the naughty step.

* Remain calm and collected at all times. Your employees are fairly junior, they will test your patience and ask stupid questions. They may also disrupt the workplace and even destroy it by unravelling a whole toilet roll and using it as a magic carpet - all around the office space. But you are the boss. Use your skills to remain calm and fix things.

This is not conducive to a productive working environment...

10.00am - The post. This is a race. As the manager you may find yourself racing to the door before your employees grab the letters and tear them to smithereens.

11.30am - Scheduled lunch break. They will fight you for Pom Bears for lunch. Just make the pasta and pretend that snacking is not allowed in the office.

12.00 - Employee 1 works at a different branch in the afternoons. So, it's time to drop her off. Give employees said Pom Bears to encourage them to walk in civilised manner. And in a straight line.

 If one runs away, CHASE THEM...RUN LIKE THE WINE WIND. Tip: Wear trainers or running shoes. I know it's a professional work environment, but court shoes just won't cut it, sorry.

1.00pm - Fob Employee 2 off with menial tasks. (Lie her on the couch with milk and a blanket and the Peppa Pig.) Proceed to manage the following:

* General office tasks: Tidying all employee paperwork and/or crap clothes, books, toys. Clean bedding. Wipe round.

* Maintain all communal areas. Domestic planning. (What's for dinner?)
* Answer phone to all incoming queries. Do you have any PPI??
* Organise office clothes for the next day. This might involve shaking out ironing.

3.30pm - Arrange collection of employee number 2 and prepare self for conflict management. By 4.30pm sure enough both employees are arguing because "she is sat on my couch"

Mediate. Breathe.

Cook dinner. When senior employee comes home from school arrives ask her how her day was. She might just ignore you and run upstairs to complete her office tasks play Minecraft.

Emergency meeting 5pm. Dinner is ready. Everyone must come to the dining room. You hear the keys turn in the door. It is Father/Husband and Co-Manager. Put the dinner out and let the co-manager do some co-managing.

Business hours are over*

*Of course they're not - you're still on call, you always are. And you have "real" work tomorrow. Two jobs. And you're a student.

*Hands notice in*

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