Thursday, 20 August 2015

That Time I Was A Judge On The Bake Off...

You might not recall this but some time ago *ahem* I was *ahem* INVITED to be a special guest judge on  Great British Bake Off. I bloody love that show. It's like life-or-death baking - proper dead serious and that. I couldn't wait to get cracking. CRACKING - get it?? My jokes are better than Mel's of course...

It all started off on the wrong foot really. I wanted to be in the middle of the promo picture but Hollywood was a bit grumpy about having to stand behind me. Can you see him - this was just before we had our first major row where I called him a "steaming arse-head."

It didn't go very well from then on, I'll be honest.

They were all so bloody serious. Even the two "jolly" presenters. They kept wanting to pose for the cameras all the time and show off, and I was just like "Come on lads, it's summer, let's all have a chill out in the tent with some cake and a few pints."

I don't think Mary Berry wanted a pint.

She was gorgeous though. She smelled of beautiful old ladies, like sweet flowers and giant parma-violets. She still wouldn't have a pint with me though and this upset me a bit. I pinched her bum when she wasn't looking though and she gave Hollywood a right look, I thought she was going to crack him.

Then of course, the actual judging bit. Now call me stupid but I think as long as you stick a load of great ingredients together in a bowl, bake them for a bit - no matter what it's going to taste nice. I mean look at this that I made:

A yummy chocolate orange swiss roll. OK there were a few technical issues, but it all got ate. Every last bit.

On Bake-Off, Hollywood makes you cry if you don't have the right "crumb" fall off your biscuit. I was like a walking-failed-baker-comforter. They were all crying by the end of the first day.

I was a bit p*ssed off with the whole thing really. So I just kept showing up with pints to see if anyone wanted to chill out in the sun and join me.

They didn't.

Miserable gits.

In the end I told them to bog off. I'd had a row with Mary Berry anyway. I said that I could defo make better gravy than her on a Sunday and she said I couldn't because she's a Nan and Nan's are best. Well I'm not having that. I started getting the Oxo out and everything, but they said I was being mental and had to leave. As my last hurrah I put on my best fake Scouse accent and shouted "Ee arr Hollywood - I bet I can make a better pan of Scouse than you lad!"

As they escorted me off the premises.

So really it was a great success. I learned a lot.

I'm great to go for a pint with me, honest...


  1. You always make me laugh, those pics are so funny. x

  2. Pa ha ha ha you are a genius. Too funny!

  3. Laughing out loud. You are brilliant. Great photoshop skillz too!


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