Thursday, 18 June 2015

Changing Room Traumas

So I have been on this weight-loss "thing." After years of laziness and general alcohol/fat/processed food abuse I have decided that I would now like to look after my body and try and change its shape. For my health and for my own good. I want to be nimble, flexible and fit. I also want to look shit hot slender in a little black dress.

If you have been following you will know that I have gone quite a way to achieve some weight loss. I have lost about a stone now. People have started saying things like "Oooh you look AMAZING!" and things like that. This is not all together true, I am a mere mortal who has lost a bit of flab. However, I was lulled into a false sense of security that made me think "HELL YES... I can totally try ANY dress on in a size 14 and look totally HOT."

I'm not sure why I thought this, I am a fully grown woman with three children. I know my limitations. My skin is pale and sometimes looks like corned beef, my bottom and thighs wobble and I have quite a few stretchmarks, in fact, I'd go as far as to say I have ranked my stretchmarks in order of preference, and yes, I do have a favourite one.

So anyway, I thought that I would go on a "trying ALL the dresses spree." I totally forgot three main rules in my life:

a) I hate shopping
b) I hate trying things on
c) I hate changing rooms

Regarding c) - changing rooms are hateful places to me. Did you know that you have to actually queue to get in one nowadays? What the actual hell is going on??

Anyway, I decide to brave all of these most hated things - to "treat" myself for losing weight. Only I forgot that I am still me. I've lost a bit of weight but I am still the same insecure, slightly overweight normal-looking woman with corn-beef skin and favourite stretchmarks.

I like myself, don't get me wrong. But I am nothing if not honest and a realist.

And so, in those changing rooms I realised that I am not shit hot slender. Weight loss is not everything and I am definitely nowhere near what I want to be or what I want to look like. I don't fit my clothes very well.  Or is it that I am rubbish at picking clothes that suit me? Whichever.

Whatever it is - I have changed. But not that much.

Who am I and what is this pose all about?

I think in future I should remember my a) b) and c) and not expect some crazy transformation to happen because I pick different clothes.

Damn changing rooms.

Best to just try clothes on as illustrated below, I reckon. Hanger over the head. Be careful not to get stuck. And always make sure you have an eleven year old "assistant" with you to take dodgy photos at all times. It's a BIT bonkers, but who cares. Ain't nobody got time for changing room traumas.


  1. I feel like this too! I try things on forget I'm a little old woman and then look in the mirror!!!!! xx

  2. I have totally been there. Changing rooms are the devil! x

  3. Sizing is the devil too, every shop sizes differently & you end up taking at least 2 of everything into the changing room. H&M online customer service told me every manufacturer that supplies them has their own sizing! CRAZY!

  4. Always remember - ITS THE LIGHTING and THE MIRRORS in the changing rooms that makes everything look bad. HAHAHA - my knees seem to look huge in a changing room, so, trying dresses on is always a laugh. Also, you should go for a Skater Style dress. I love these, as they are tight at the top and then flare out at the bottom. I have a belly that seems fairly flat when I haven't eaten, and as soon as I eat bread, I seem to look pregnant again, so skater dresses hide this for me.


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