I know you are entering this nightmare teen phase. I know. I get it. Believe it or not I was young once. Don't roll your eyes at me young lady. I would like you to read this letter (I don't do OPEN LETTERS willy nilly so consider yourself lucky with this one - I'm even going to do it in bullet points because I know that you "can't be bovvered" to read anything more than a few lines of what I write.
So, here you go:
* As your Mother and Cleaner and Cook and everything else, I am more than happy to do your washing. However, it would be helpful, if, on occasion you could see fit to removing your underwear from the gusset of your dirty jeans BEFORE throwing them on the floor at the top of the stairs.
* I HAVE GOT SWAG. That is all, I just wanted to clear that up
* When I give you advice, it is for your own good. It doesn't matter to me if you don't brush your teeth. It doesn't matter to me if you hand your homework in late or if your hair is straggly. These things will AFFECT YOU. Which is why I mention it.
* You take after me. So when you thought you'd get changed for PE in the showers and then the showers were motion sensored and they came on and you got soaked and had to come home in lost property clothes three sizes too big....well, that was just the start of it. Laugh at yourself. It's not the end of the world.
* I HATE REPEATING MYSELF. If I tell you to do something, it would be nice if you would just do it. Otherwise, I am close to the point of recording my instruction and playing it on loop. Please. Just do as I have asked. Generally whatever it is I ask you to do will take less than ten minutes of your swag-filled life.
* I can totally use the phrase YOLO and get away with it
* Me and your Dad like to sit on the couch together at night watching crappy telly. ALONE. Just give us a bit of space. A private conversation is not always about you, you don't have to "check up" on us - we're fine. We're drinking wine. The hours for you are between 9am and 9pm. After that... GO AWAY.
* I don't appreciate you sneaking up on me when I'm reading in the bath. Or actually looking through what books I have on my Kindle. I was reading Harry Potter, despite your Fifty Shades of Grey accusations, madam.
* I know EVERYTHING. Everything. Don't try and pull the wool over my eyes, love. Just so you know. Whatever it is...I KNOW.
* It is not acceptable in any way whatsoever to teach your baby sisters to twerk
* If something is what you term "nowadays" then I can do it/use it/wear it. I am living in "nowadays" too - your generation does not have the monopoly on TODAY.
* I like embarrassing you. It's so easy. Chill out and lighten up girl, what's your issue?
* I like spending time in Claire's Accessories with you. It gives me all the swag and makes me YOLO.
So that's that. Take heed young girl.
I'm watching you!
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