Sunday, 29 March 2015

Professional Parenting Guide

We have three challenging annoying time-consuming wonderful  children, and have been parenting for about eleven and a half years now. It's hard but over the years we have picked up a few handy hints and tips, as we have moved from Beginners, to Intermediate and eventually graduating as Professional Parents.

No matter what stage you are at in your life as a parent, this guide is here to help YOU. Parenting is a magical pain in the arse journey and these words of advice might just be what you need to read right now.

Here I present a few common scenarios and what it is you are likely to do in them. You can jump straight to Pro from Beginner if you like, or mix and match it with Intermediate parenting - whichever. Sometimes the idiot in you reverts back to Beginner - you have to fight this urge like the badass parent that you know you are.

Anyway, here it is. Take heed, parenting people!

Scenario 1:
Child unsettled in Asda. Fidgeting, fiddling and farting around in the seat, trying to pull the Kinder Egg's off the shelf.

Beginner: Take them out of the trolley seat to stand next to you

Intermediate: Give them a banana to appease them

Pro: Give them the Kinder Egg. Let them open it and throw the chocolate on the floor until they get the toy, damn it!!!

Scenario 2: Child has thrown self on floor of Asda and won't get up. Possibility tantrum was caused by lack of Kinder Eggs or the word "maybe" - which is a word that a two-year old does not understand.

Beginner: Try to coax them off the floor by promising them Kinder Eggs

Intermediate: Remind them that Daddy will be home soon and we need to get back (and maybe Daddy has brought Kinder Eggs??)

Pro: Lift them off the floor by their reigns and carry the out of the shop like a hovering, swinging tantrum personified.

Scenario 3: Child is messing about at the dinner table. In between mouth-fulls beans are being scattered on the floor like soggy confetti and fish fingers bits are being indiscriminately thrown across the room.

Beginner: Tell them to stop. Feed them yourself reverting back to the good-old safe "aeroplane" routine.

Intermediate: Take the food off them, clean up and give them a yoghurt

Pro: Just let them continue until they have finished eating, and you can clean it all up in one go.

Scenario 4: Child WILL NOT sit in car seat. Refuses to be bent into position and makes self as stiff as a board so as to achieve whatever it is they are trying to achieve with this*

*If you find out what it is let me know.

Beginner: Wait until tantrum passes and try again.

Intermediate: Promise Kinder Eggs. Or cheese. Sometimes Cheese-Strings can work.

Pro: Sing Wrecking Ball as a diversion tactic. Their limbs will some become bendy again.

Scenario 5: Child repeats a rude word. You may or may not have said it. They could have picked it up from a music video. That word is "shitty." You need to correct this.

Beginner: Tell child that this word is a "bad word" - repeat this every time they say it and use your serious parenting voice.

Intermediate: Naughty step for that kind of language!

Pro: Start using another word regularly to replace said profanity. "Yacky" is a good one.

So, what have we learned here?

Today we have learned that Professional Parenting, Beginner Parenting and Intermediate Parenting actually do not exist. They are inter-changeable. I've been parenting for years, and seriously - what do I even know??? So take this advice and do what's right at the time.

And also... stock up on Kinder Eggs...

Or Cheese Strings

And wine...for yourself, obvs.

1 comment:

  1. Love this Kerrie - I think I need to print this out and pop it in my hand bag - just off out for Kinder Eggs haha x


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