Monday, 2 March 2015

How To Have a Meltdown

Life is tough.

Even if your day is meeting the minimum expectation of "Everyone is fed and no-one is dead" -  you are allowed a meltdown. Even if it is irrational. The world is not ending, and you know that you will feel better - things will look up in the morning. But still, you need that time. You can feel every cell inside your body, screaming -  going into some sort of meltdown, and you have to. It is your own physical way of slowing down. So here is how I do it. Maybe you can pick up some Most Excellent Tips on how to do a meltdown... or not.

* So for every meltdown there is a Final Straw. It can be anything. Maybe you smashed a glass, stubbed your little toe on the door, stood on an upturned plug or had to stop your three year old's tears by conceding to her:

"OK! Stop crying! You CAN marry your Daddy!"

Things are strange. You can feel that something isn't right and that one thing, whatever it is will send you over the edge. It's OK.

* You might cry. You have options here, so take heed. You can

a) Cry in the car. This is weird but has its plus points. If you cry in the car then people CAN see you, but you'll drive past them so they'll probably never see you again. But frozen in their mind will forever be this image of a sobbing, driving person and they will forever wonder what was wrong and think maybe you just needed a friend. You might think of this later and it might make you cry. You can feel everyone else's emotions at this time of your own meltdown. The plus point is, the kids are sat in the back, and if you put the radio on, they can't hear or see you cry.

Happy days.

b) Cry in the bath. No one is there. Just you and the bloody yellow duck that is very almost stuck up your arse. They never shift their own shit stuff do they, the kids. Doing everything for everyone all the time. *Sob sob sob* If you cry in the bath, after a while you very well might be bathing in your own tears and this is just too pretentious and ridiculous.

Move the duck and stop being silly.

* When I melt-down I like to think about that thing in Terminator 2 - you know, the T1000 (T One Thousand.) He is amazing. He has a LITERAL meltdown and then gets back up again. You know you could do that. Totally.

* I also take on more stuff. I think I am The Busiest Person What Ever Lived. (I use the word "What" like this - I know it's wrong but I like it, and it's my meltdown so I can write what I like.)  So even though I am busy - during one of my epic meltdowns I like to take on more. This can take the form of many things.

a) I was once doing my History degree, working full time, I was seven months pregnant and doing a BTEC in exams management - I say YES to all challenges. Meltdown? What meltdown?

b) Essay due in soon? No problem,Take the kids to soft play, sit and read tales from East European communist theory, do the tea, clean up, bath the kids, put them to bed and paint the whole kitchen when you get home. Start writing a novel and undertake the mammoth task of clearing out the wardrobes.

Nothing is half-hearted either. It's all or nothing.

Yep, really writing a book...

* Speaking of "nothing" - during a meltdown you can easily feel like nothing. Like you are useful to no-one and no-thing. Desperate to prove something to yourself. To everyone. Who? Why?

* Shout at The Other People in your house. Mind racing. Million things to do. Why are they not as frantic?? Feel sad for shouting. Go back to crying in the bath. Bathing in tears. Meh.

* Get over meltdown. Know that because of the fundamental structure of your life this will happen again. Resolve to handle the whole thing better.

Have a glass of wine.


You are not alone.


  1. Love this post! I tend to confine my meltdowns to the kitchen. The children have learned not to follow me now!

    Did giggle at the yellow duck :D

  2. Amen to that, I totally feel ya! I opt for the bath...! X


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