As a parent we face the eternal dilemma at weekends and holidays: What to do with the kids. One option that we do have are the many soft play areas (or HELL as I refer to call them.) If you're a parent - you definitely will have been to one of these hell-holes at some point. So below is a handy A - Z guide. Just so that you know you are not alone.
A is for the massive Arse that you are for actually going to one of these places. Are you wired up right???
B is for Ball Pool - full of snot-nosed kids and home to literally 857 BILLION bad germs. What were you thinking???
C is for Cash. You will have none by the time you leave. Costs a fortune to get in, and thanks to the strategically placed gumball and egg surprise machines, also costs a fortune to get out.
D is for Deciding to leave out some of the letters of the alphabet because a) it's my blog and I can be obnoxious if I want and b) I can't think of something for EVERY letter I'm not a bloody genius, you know.
H is for the Heart Attack that you will narrowly avoid watching your two year old almost come down the massive super slide on a trike. Run for your life and just stop that sh*t from happening. It won't end well.
J is for Jungle. Because that is essentially what these places are. If your child wants to play on the ride-on car then they will most likely have to FIGHT for it. It's not pretty and someone is going to cry. Loudly. Oh the joy.
P is for Pain. This comes in many forms. The aforementioned pain to the wallet, headache from the noise, kids tripping and banging heads.... be prepared to use your magic kiss to make it all better. For them, not you. Obviously.
S is for Stop. As in Non-Stop. Sorry about that. Take your shoes off as soon as you get in, forget sitting down with a brew and the paper - there is work to be done; e.g. rescuing your three year old from the mild peril of a soft-play wrecking ball. Just do it. You are Super Parent, look lively.
T is for Tired. This is you, not the kids. Your cunning plan to take them to soft play for a couple of hours to "burn them out" has only fired them up for more. They will be kicking and screaming as you take them home, and bouncing off the walls until they collapse. Forget the wine, you'll just want your bed.
Y is for Your children's faces. Because despite all of the above, their happiness is your happiness. And as soppy as that sounds, it's true. And you'll be back in soft play hell again sometime soon.
Oh yes you will
*does evil laugh*