This encapsulates the whole wife, mum, student bum thing. Sometimes I think I am the busiest thing in the whole world and I'm not.
Here is a week. A particularly sh*tty one. It's OK, you can laugh, I laughed too. If I didn't laugh then I might crack up.
So it's Sunday and my essay is due in on Thursday. It's about the war so it's tough going but I haven't got a minute because
a) I'm in work tomorrow
b) I have a terrible two year old, a threenager and a tweenager
c) I do all the Mum-jobs
My hair is also grey a bit and I had a Halloween spray-paint incident yesterday.
But it's bed time. But we're woke up by Rosie at 3am who is nearly two and has vomited all over. Quickly me and my husband work like a zombie tag-team, stripping the cot of sheets and showering the cottage-cheese covered child, combing chunks out of her white blonde hair and trying not to gag.
Now it's Monday and work and busy and buses. But I've been accepted at Liverpool Uni for my Masters so YAY. Then collect Rosie then collect Alice. Then home. Tea.
But no bedtime because Rosie won't sleep and the only thing for it is to take her for a drive for an hour. Essay is due in on Thursday.
Now it's Tuesday and it's work all day. No time for essay. No time for a wee. Even if I had time the kids would follow me. Mind races I need to:
a) Dye my hair
b) Engage in some sort of hair removal procedure
c) Do my essay
Too tired. Bed.
Now it's Wednesday and it's my DAY OFF. Hurrah!
Is this a joke? Wednesday is the day where I undertake all of the unpaid work in my life. The usual.
I wash, I dry, I iron, I cook, I clean. I run around after the children and we take selfies and put them on Instagram.
Later on doing the school run I accidentally drive into a woman's car and there is a scratch. But my car is crap and the scratch on mine just mingles in with all the others but she is a Proud Car Person and wants me to call the insurance.
So I call the insurance and Warren is working late for parent's evening, so me and the kids then wiggle our bums to Anaconda semi-naked in the living room. I worry a bit about the insurance, but it's OK because my no claims are protected and
HOME ADMIN IS SH*T.
So then I am too tired for my essay which is due in on Thursday.
Oh hang on it's Thursday. So I email my tutor all honest and open because the kids are in my face after work.
Please can I have an extension because my husband has been working late and my children are so noisy I can't get anything done.
Thanks in advance.
I pick Alice up from school and I tell her not to run on the grass, but she does anyway and then she slips and gets mud all over her uniform, coat, shoes. She cries. I tell her it's OK because "Mummy will fix it."
To clarify, that is me. Another thing to do.
Later I am in the bath and have conditioner all over my hair. I use the nit comb. Just because my fringe is all knotty and that was on the side.
I have nits. I need to dye my hair but instead I am applying Hedrin which I am pretty sure won't colour my hair but it will kill nits. Warren combs my hair through and it's 10.00pm and I want wine because this week is rubbish, but it's too late to drink it.
I rinse my hair and read a bit about Forgotten Voices of the Holocaust before bed but fall asleep.
Then it's Friday. Another DAY OFF. HURRAH!
Did I already explain about days off?
Anyway. The kids are in fine fettle. Rosie opens my make up and gets it all over the bed, then she scatters Warren's CDs around the living room, ferreting them all about like a small rodent.
Alice cries because she doesn't like Toby's Travelling Circus.
I take Alice to school and then put Rosie to bed. Essay. My essay. Sh*t.
So I sit down. I have approximately 90 minutes of peace and quiet to write it. I sit and think. I watch as my laptop and the research page I am on slowly fades to black. The battery is dead.
The kids had broken the charger last week, it does work, but it has to be fiddled with, I'd forgot. No amount off fiddling will make it work now. I check my iPad thingy. That is broke too. Yes, the kids. I look through my uni books. They are covered in scribbles.
I look around. There are raisins on the floor scattered like rabbit poop. I pick up the tangerine (Rosie calls it Halloween) peel from the floor. I sweep. I do all the unpaid work.
I go into the downstairs toilet and have a bit of a moment*
It's ridiculous, all these silly things. And now? My laptop charger has been properly fiddled to make it work, and a new one is on order. Essay will be done tomorrow.
Of course, I have ALL THE WINE.