Alight, I know. It's a religion, etc....
Anyway...there was this one time when I thought I would just get the attention of my
football Everton-mad husband. I applied to be on Match of The Day. What do you mean "you can't just apply to be on it?" Bear with me here, I'll tell you what happened.
So first of all we went and sat in the studio. (Linekar is much hotter in real-life and his ears aren't a big either.) They said we had to talk about tic-tacs or something so I drew them a diagram - I thought it was extremely helpful. I was secretly pleased because I knew that Warren was watching back at home and he would be dead dead proud of me.
Next we had to talk about the games. I can't really remember what I said but it must have been hilarious because Alan Shearer kept laughing and he said I was "dead boss."
At one point it got a bit heated and I was trying to tell them that Steven Gerrard took a dive (or simulation to us MOTD presenters...) Lee Dixon was PROPER interested and I was wearing my glasses and being proper serious and everything - all the time I was thinking what a hero Warren would think I was.
Then it went a little bit awry. We were watching the screen and someone had messed around with the captions. Harry Redknapp and Alan Hansen were not too impressed, and I sat there looking all innocent.
But it was no good.
I knew that Warren would be well chuffed with me. I knew that I would be forever known as The Best Wife in The Whole Wide World.
But alas, my Match of The Day career lay in tatters, and all my plans to replace Gary Lineker were scuppered. I knew they would never have me back.
Aah well. His trousers were a little too tight anyway...