Saturday, 20 December 2014

That time I was on "The Apprentice"

What do you mean you didn't know I was on it?

Well anyway, I was great. I love The Apprentice, me. Lord Sugar is proper boss - I have this great business plan about loom bands - Frozen themes loom bands wrapped in a Kinder-style egg. Trust me, it's the future... anyway. I entered the whole "The Apprentice" process. Because that's what they call it, a process. What they mean when they say 'process' is a bad-ass ordeal.

Here is how I got on...

So we started off on the tasks with my work-mates. They made us make some stuff. I can't remember what it was now, probably cakes, a microwave meal, or perfume...



But whatever it was - someone definitely ballsed the costings up while Nick looked at us disapprovingly, all the while drawing doodles in his note pad.



Next we had to drive somewhere to sell some stuff. Definitely London, and we defo got stuck in traffic. My husband had phoned me and said the kids were driving him mad, they were on loud speaker - Alice was picking her nose and flicking it at Rosie, and Emily was singing 'Let it Go' full pelt. To be honest I was glad I was stuck in traffic with these two idiots either side anyway - bit of peace by comparison.



Next was the presentation. We were shit hot. I pitched the major supermarket and said I would sell them 500 units and they seemed well keen. But I said business was 'bonking' instead of 'booming' so I wasn't too too sure how that went down with them.



Then it was BOARDROOM time.

It was a bit of a blur to be honest. Our team lost. Nick said that the major retail companies were concerned about "Kerrie's lack of facial expression... you seem to look like you have broken wind...all the time."

Them's Nick's words not mine. Bless him.


I bitched about the others for a bit. I even called them 'dicks' but it was no use.

I'd had it.


Lord Sugar was really nice about the whole thing. I explained my whole Frozen Loom Band Egg Surprise idea and I promised him I was the right candickdate for him. I told him about my projected million pound turnover in the first year and how he would definitely want me to replace the very clever and talented Karen Brady.



But my protestations were all for nothing. It suddenly dawned on me that my business plan wasn't very good. My face just didn't fit. And Karen Brady has infinitely better boobs than me.

And so...Lord Sugar said it...


Oh bollocks.

5 comments:

  1. OMG you are crazy!
    I love it... Honestly you're no Dick

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  2. This is my fave blog of your EVER! x

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  3. Haha - I love this. I would totally win the Apprentice. I would cause I would give 137% xxx

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  4. Amazing homage to the best reality show ever, ever. Happy Christmas indeed!

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  5. You are absolutely MAD Kerrie & I love you x

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