Sunday, 28 December 2014

Expert Competitive Crafting With Kerrie (and small children)

I am an absolute dick expert at crafting.

I am sure that you have already seen my Christmas masterpiece.



He took a little while to make, and is genius, I'm sure you'll agree.

This crafting post is a little more "lively." This expert crafting guide will tell you how to craft...competitively. I know what you're thinking... crafting is just for a hobby, a passtime - especially over the Christmas holiday period - why would you want to compete?

Because WINNING.

That's why, people.

So, to begin competitively crafting you will need the following:

* 1 Play-Doh Sweet Shop centre  (or similar craft kit - Play Doh is great because it's smells like being a child again)

* Various cutters and shape-makers

* Your child(ren) (and if possible someone else's children - like the child from next door - it's always great to show off your skills to other people's kids too)

* A bad-ass motherfunking desire to succeed in all aspects of the crafting arena.

Here are the rules. You all have a limited amount of time to make Play Doh cupcakes. There will be no helping, no appropriate adult intervention and any mixing of the Play Doh automatically gets you disqualified for fraternising with the material (or f*cking the Play Doh up.)

You can use cutters, Play Doh and the moulds that you have. If you can, try and compete against children aged 5 and under - they are stupid and easier to beat.



Think about your colours. Do a cream-coloured cupcake because that is more realistic. You can't buy electric-blue cupcakes so why would you want them as your masterpiece?? Also, don't "pipe" brown icing on your cake. It will look like dog-poo. Do point this out to the children who have made this mistake. (Be sure to say "dog poo" and not "dog sh*t" - play nice now.)

During the competition, children of a certain age will understand that you stole the flower-cutter from them. Just tell them to pipe down. You're the parent - they shouldn't be paying attention to what you are doing they should be concentrating on their own "work." - which is rubbish, I hasten to add. They won't know how to ice the cake, or how to make the moulds work for the detail. They also won't understand the cupcake idea, they might just eat the Play Doh and will more than likely just roll sausage-shapes.

Don't help them, that's cheating.




As you can see, Competitive Crafting is brilliant. As the children get bored and wander off to play with something probably from the film Frozen, you sit back and admire your work. As you pick bits of sticky Doh from the sole of your shoe and scrape it off the floor - you know that you made the best cupcake, and that you are the winner.


YESSSS!!!!






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