Just cold, hard facts here. This is the REAL Christmas experience. I know it's cliched to be cynical at Christmas but guess what, I don't care. So here are the 12 Facts of Christmas.
1. You can not avoid Christmas songs. I have been on this earth for thirty-two years and for approximately 8.3% of every year I have to listen to the same songs at the same time in the same places. It's bonkers. Despite banning Christmas songs in our house - every shop, restaurant, garage you enter has them playing. Just f*ck off will you.
2. You and your partner will not 'share' the wrapping. You will spend three hours wrestling with odd-shaped boxes, losing the sellotape and desperately trying to make that nice envelope-shape to fold over, whilst your partner either:
a) Builds an over-sized wooden toy using a variety of tools with a few swear-words of frustration thrown in
b) Looking confused, sorts presents into various piles
c) Takes a three-hour poo break.
3. Despite official and popular opinion, the Christmas dinner is just a roast dinner.
4. You will experience a kind of 'jungle capitalism' in chain stores. Be prepared to be elbowed in the face by a little old lady trying to get to the umbrella/glove gift sets in TK Max.
5. Obviously the kids will enjoy the cheapest present the most. It's not the money that bothers you really. It's the fact that the toy that will definitely teach your kid to read will end up at the back of the wardrobe, dusty and out of date - while they build a raft out of the box and and when asked by relatives what they got for Christmas reply with 'sweeties.'
6. There is such a thing as too much wine. See Christmas 2009, 2010 and 2013, and all the rest...
|Hungover in a Christmas onesie. Festive.|
7. I hate to break this to you but Christmas cards just end up in the bin. Except the ones that are hand-made of course, and I have noticed a general lack-of-being arsed trend in the cards I receive from my children as they get older. See exhibit A.
8. Christmas jumpers are a thing now. And they are not just for irony either. Whole swathes of men will go on stag do's and Christmas party nights out wearing them. Get involved. If you don't own one just create your own in three easy steps:
1.) Get tinsel.
2) Get sellotape
3) Stick tinsel to your tits
9. There is a definite divide between people who like tinsel and people who don't like tinsel. Pick a side and FIGHT THAT CORNER.
10. When you have kids, you can't really have a little nap after your Christmas dinner. This makes Christmas essentially shit.
11. Because it is Christmas you can basically put the word Christmas in front of anything. So you can have Christmas kisses, Christmas wine, Christmas chocolate and a Christmas poo. What??
12. There will always be Christmas cynics. Ignore them and have a wonderful Christmas with your families.