Thursday, 4 September 2014

Sure-Fire Ways to Increase Your Traffic: Sex Sells

I have managed this WHOLE website single-handedly now for oooh... a couple of years. It takes some serious frigging dedication, serious topics, discussion and professional level-headedness to make a blog a success.

This is why I feel that I am now more than suitably-qualified to let you in on some secrets to increase your traffic, if you have your own website or blog, or thinking of embarking on such a project.

So here are the top 5 ways to increase your blog traffic. And remember the GOLDEN RULE: Sex Sells.



1. Hire a billboard

Pick one that is central to your home town for maximum exposure.




You'll stop traffic, and then get more....erm...traffic for your website, trust me.


2. SEX SELLS

'Accidentally' leak some disgustingly filthy explicit GIFs and photos of yourself.



Sure fire way to success, kid, suck it up.

Literally.



3. Design Your Own Lingerie Brand

Knickers are the way forward. Get your logo put on underwear. People will be fighting over them in the shops, and your traffic will go through the roof. Plus, if you have a title like mine then you are definitely on to a winner.

These are available at the low cost of £2.99 per pair




What do you mean 'how do you get them to sell?' I'm the website person, not the marketperson...I can't think of everything!!!


4. Lose a ton of weight

People lap that shit up like it's going out of fashion.

"Oooh look at me I was well fat and now I am skinny and I did it by taking vitamins in through the air by osmosis."



NOW LOOK AT MY TITS.

CLICK
CLICK
CLICK
CLICK

What do you mean it's photoshopped???

5. Play with Toys

Not sex toys. I'm not even kidding. Just buy a load of Peppa Pig, Fireman Sam whatever toys and film yourself opening the boxes and playing with the toys. There are Youtube channels making MILLIONS from doing this, seriously.

In your game Mummy Pig doesn't have to have an S&M love bonking session in the camper van with Daddy Pig - although maybe if you spiced it up a bit you would get BAZILLIONS of hits. Screw you, Disney Collector!



Erm...possibly literally.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

45 comments:

  1. Don't forget to add some good tags!! :)

    #butlinsambassador #clickheretofindoutwhodidwhatatBritmumsLive #freestuff

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  2. You are nuts, I love this post! Yay

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    Replies
    1. I can't help what's in my head it has to come out :) x

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  3. Yay! Must go...pensioner knickers to design!

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    Replies
    1. Do it. Your market is out there waiting for you! x

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  4. Replies
    1. Bonkers is an excellent word lovely x

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  5. Fantastic, Might have to invest in a range of lightbulbs to promote my blog but I'm sure I can make them sexy!!!!

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    Replies
    1. Yes - you've got the idea. Anything goes, as long as you sex it up :) x

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  6. Lol, where do you find that list of words, would love to look at mine :)

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    Replies
    1. It's on Google analytics under traffic I think. I always love to see them :)

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  7. There will be people who'll need a special moment alone to watch and re-watch you and the squirty cream xx

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  8. Haha I know you're being ironic but I think this is all true!!! And my goodness. They STILL MAKE SQUIRTY CREAM???!

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    Replies
    1. Probably is true ha ha. Squirty cream is THE BESTEST. :) x

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  9. Haha! I just spat my tea all over my laptop!!!

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  10. I'm not sure there would be call for granny pants designed by me, but this post has made me laugh so much! The last one is totally true though - apparently opening Kinder Eggs is a big deal.....

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    Replies
    1. Million and squillions of views and money for opening Kinder eggs!!! I'm in the wrong job!

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  11. I ranted about a certain sanctimonious sow on my blog yesterday, and included photos of my naked arse and tits. Stats are off the scale. I am thinking it is due to the last two points (and I dont mean just my tits) rather than the vacuous media whore connection.

    Damn right sex sells.

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  12. This so made me laugh ... Thanks for cheering up my day xxx

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  13. So funny as usual, I like the knickers idea especially as i'm flashing mine in my avi, haha.

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  14. This is a brilliant post!!! Mummy and Daddy Pig are very naughty for letting the vid leak on the world wide web!! x

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    Replies
    1. I know! In the camper as well - no shame! x

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  15. Laughed out loud at the cream x

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    Replies
    1. Laughed my head off doing it. Took all of 5 seconds to film ha ha :) x

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  16. You are hilarious! I knew this post would be funny from the title but didn't expect such sexiness too. Haha

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  17. My son is on Disney collecter whenever he gets chance, it's a bloody joke!! V funny post :)

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    Replies
    1. Disney Collector is my hero - unbelievable. They are a married couple apparently - proper anonymous probably swimming in money like Duck McScrooge or whatever he was called :) x

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  18. Haha - do these 5 tips work for dad bloggers too?

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  19. I'm never going be able to watch Peppa Pig again 😱

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    Replies
    1. I know. Dirty buggers aren't they ... :)

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  20. You have ruined Peppa for me FOREVER!!! But to be honest? That's a good thing.

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    Replies
    1. I can't look at the camper van in the same way to be honest... :)

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  21. Ha ha totally bonkers! :) Might have to follow you now...

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    Replies
    1. Feel free - there's loads more tips to come.. ;)

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  22. Kerrie you are mental!! Love this - particularly the squirty cream vid. Your husband is a lucky man! ;)

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