Sunday, 17 August 2014

How to Train Your Toddler

Having toddlers is hard work.

We know this, we have two of the little creatures running around the house. You see, they are just like little dragons...they need to be trained. They don't know ho to behave unless you tell them. So this post will tell you exactly what you need to know about training your toddler.

1. Behaviour In Public

Your toddler needs to know that there are certain levels of unacceptable behaviour in public. A lot of these involve pee and puke, but I'll spare you those for now. I have learnt the following that you should bear in mind, and berate your child immediately if they show any signs of doing any of the following:

a) Screaming "Help!" at the tops of their voices whilst shopping. Getting stranger looks than you would normally get from passers-by is not an ideal situation. Your toddler needs to know this.

b) Shouting "Mummy why do you itch your bum?" is also not appropriate behaviour.

2. Shoplifting

Stuff from shops needs to be paid for. No, they didn't just 'find' those wind-up walking chattering teeth on a shop floor and tuck them away in their pocket. They probably cost about a pound and need to be paid for.


3. Eating

Aah. Back to this old chestnut. Only giving a toddler a single chestnut to eat would be infinitely easier to clean up than my table after every single meal time. Don't let them do this, I implore you. Teach them the ways of the English dining table.

4. AM

It is not acceptable for them to wake up any time before 6am and demand that it is morning. Even if they jump on your head. Or remove their nappy and sit on your head.

Just say no.

5. PM

It is not acceptable for them to get out of bed at 10pm, creep downstairs, pop their head round the door and say "Daaadeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Nor is actively encouraging them to make imaginary cups of tea. Don't pretend to eat off the Minnie Mouse plates.

This type of behaviour is not to be encouraged.

I have trained my toddlers. They would never do any of the above. I suggest you train yours too, before everything just gets out of hand, seriously...


  1. hahaha! This made me laugh out
    My youngest was a terror for shouting 'HELP' when we were out and about....She found it hilarious. Me not so much!

    1. Ha ha they are bonkers aren't they :)

  2. Brilliant! Thanks for making me giggle.

  3. LOL am having blog catch up night and this just made me wee a little bit (hey, it happens) absolutely hilarious...have decided not to teach the boy to talk...will make life easier ;)


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