Saturday, 23 August 2014

Date Night: Everything You Need To Know

Not a Saturday goes by without you hearing about someone who is going on a date. And usually, at my ripe old age of 32, people are actually going out on date night with their partners, to whom they have been married or otherwise attached for a number of years.

This is all cool, say I.

But of course, now that I have been married for over four years and attached to my loved one for about six - I have some expert advice to give you from my brain - some hints, tips and tricks to make sure that your date night is the best. Pull up a chair...

1. Smuggling beer into the cinema

We all do this right? OK, even if you don't, I recommend that you do. It's fun and you'll feel a little bit naughty. Use a big bag and practice carrying it like a normal person, don't lean to one side and for God's sake DON'T CLATTER IT AGAINST ANYTHING.

Oh, and invest in a key ring with a little bottle-opener on it.

2. Back row anyone??

No, you're probably too old for all that shit. And anyway, if you started fumbling on the back row, you would definitely get caught with all that beer and then you would feel like a drunken pervert. Don't do it.

3. Dinner conversations

DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE CHILDREN. You are only allowed to talk about grown-up stuff, not kids or you can eat each other's faces off for a bit. But only a bit, everyone hates snogging couples. Don't interrupt your date by nipping in the Oxfam next door to the pub to look at books about the fall of the Iron Curtain.
Don't talk about politics or how and why Communism in Eastern Europe failed. These are not your problems today, let them go...

4. Take photos of stuff.

I used to think that Instagram and all that were a bit obsessive, but you know what sometimes it's great to take loads of photos because it reminds you of the good times. That hamster wheel can seem neverending and it's good to re-live the day off you had once...

5. Selfies

Perfectly acceptable. They prove to the whole of the world that you can dress up and have a day off. No need for trout pouts or worrying if you look fat at that angle. Just take them and be chuffed that you don't have baby vomit on your top.

The first photo caption is WTF. The second one is Fancy a Shag. Maybe.
6. The Train Home

Stay classy. Don't eat Krunchy Fried Chicken on the train home. You'll get grease all over your face and other people will think that you are a mess. Especially if your Date Night is actually Date Day and you had agreed with the babysitter's that you would be home at 6.00pm, thus, grabbing the rush-hour train.

Take heed.

7. Getting Home

Don't send text messages or Facebook messages to your friends. This is foolish - you might be a bit drunk and also you might be a bit excited that you have been free all day. Don't be a dick.

8. Let your sober husband put the kids to bed

This is sensible. No children were harmed during or after this date.

9. Plan 

Plan your next date accordingly. What did you do well? What could have gone better?

Hint: Make Date Day, Date Night and then you can come home at 3am and be drunk at an acceptable time of night, and just go to bed.

10. Know your limits

If you don't go out very often, a few bottles of beer might make you stupid. That = no bonking and loud snoring on the couch.

Won't someone think about the bonking....


  1. To be fair it was a very entertaining conversation ;)

  2. HA! Bab - the fringe looks beaut. I love a date day. We went to V as you know. We danced like we were 18 and even when a big horrible old man told me to fuck off? It was aces! xxx

    1. Thanks love. Your pics were ace, I am glad you had a good time apart from the bad man :( x

  3. I will definitely bring booze to the cinema the next time we go. And I'll be really cool about it. :)


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