Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Blog Ranking Tips: And Why You Should Give A F*ck

So it's that time of the month...NO not THAT time of the month I'm not that open with you.

It's THAT time of the month where the blog rankings are updated. The Tots scores use a variety of yard sticks such as Klout score, blog traffic, Instagram followers to measure each blog signed up (around 8,000 I'm led to believe). Each blog is measured and scored appropriately and then ranked,

This is how you get your Tots100 score for the month.

But as bloggers, we all knew that right.

So now I am going to tell you exactly why you should give a f*ck about these rankings and what it means to you. Pay attention... THESE THINGS MATTER!!!


1. The Tots 100

If you don't get into this top 100 number, then technically...you are shit. Everyone knows this. No one reads your blog except Russian porn spam robots, and you might as well just give up.



Or you could just write for yourself, and see what happens.

2. Blog EVERY DAY OR FACE CERTAIN DOOM

Obvious, really.

Just do it. Blog about what's on the TV, blog about your cat, blog about shitting yourself when pegging the washing out after a bout of food poisoning. Whatever.



Just BLOG.

3. If you're score is crap - blame EVERYONE ELSE

* Go immediately to Twitter
* Shout out about how full of shit the rankings are because you went down
* Then tell everyone that you don't care about Tots rankings anyway
* Have a cry

4 weeks later

* Log back into Tots100 and click 'Refresh' 4,965 times until your score appears.
* Breathe sign of relief at improved score, or simply begin whole process again

4. Make Up Your Own Score

Check my latest one:



5. Don't Sweat It

When my score drops I like to do usual things like getting on with my life and stuff. You know, the stuff that's around me every day and not just inside my computer.

If you can't do this, maybe spend a large portion of your day partaking in obsessive picture manipulation...






79 comments:

  1. THIS HAS MADE ME LOL SO HARD!!!!

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  2. This is awesome. Totally awesome.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks lovely - be sure to make notes of these tips... :) x

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  3. Can this be posted on the tots100 FAQ page please?!

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  4. Best Tots ranking EVER!!
    Love this x

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    1. I know, I always thought that a description would be better. Pick one, any one and for a small charge I will design you a new badge... :)

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  5. Wow I've been doing this all wrong...loved this

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  6. Love this! And could I get a copy of your badge ;-)

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  7. Haha LOVE this. Especially the bit about getting on with real life. I want everyone who is upset today to read this!!! x x x

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    Replies
    1. Ha - yes - crack on, not crack up! x

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  8. Brilliant Brilliant Brilliant!!

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  9. ohhhhh so that's how you do it? Fab tips! Love the post, very funny!

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    Replies
    1. Yes, that's exactly it. You can use these tips anytime, free of charge... :) x

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  10. Yes! I will read this every month that in never in the tots100! Which will be every month!!!!! ;) x

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    Replies
    1. Ha - it will make it all better :) x

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  11. This is brilliant! I want that tots score!

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    Replies
    1. Ha - there are other varieties of scores with different swear words as well. For a small fee, you too can have a personalised badge.... ;) x

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  12. Haha. jask;w - sorry can't type properly as got RSI from refreshing my score 67543 times today - bloddy Russian porn spam robits :) x

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  13. I love you very much. Unlike my partner who just said to me 'Maybe this blogging lark isn't for you statistically you're getting worse'

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    1. Ha ha I don't think partners really 'get' our blogging perspective. Mine doesn't. He just says 'oh right' about stuff. NO! Have an opinion - a good one!!! :) x

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  14. My husband said much the same as Eeh Bah Mum!

    Fab post as always! Xx

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  15. Great post! Couldn't have put it better if I spent a week trying to word it lol!

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  16. I've had to write this again because the damn kitten shut down my internet because he is running around like a kid does if you give them a million e numbers! Kitten free to good home will be my next status on facebook if he carries on.
    Your keyword searches are brilliant, the most I've had is hot tongue so now I feel shit. My tots score is shit too but nothing new there, I do have a plan though. I am aiming to be the shittest tots score receiver ever. I got quite good but then it starting dropping and has been dropping fast since. I am aiming for 1000 by November!

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    Replies
    1. Joanne, it's alright. I'll make you a badge - it can be anything you like :) xxx

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  17. Haha perfect I needed a good laugh, hilarious!

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  18. Yes, just yes. Cheered me right up after freezer/bingate.

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    Replies
    1. Just watched this on iPlayer. Bloody unbelievable! x

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  19. hahaha!! This is brilliant!! :D

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  20. Loved reading this, so funny, Love your images too x

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  21. I actually think I'm a bit in love with you Kerrie lol fab post and hits the nail on the head! :)

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    Replies
    1. Ha ha thanks. Lots of love for lots of bloggers all around the past few days. Love it x

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  22. I'm crying with laughter at your keyword searches. Seriously funny.
    Great post x

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    Replies
    1. Maybe I should have thought about the name of my blog before I actually named it ha ha :) x

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  23. Pmsl, I love it, pure brilliance!

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  24. Thank you for such a helpful guide, I knew there was something I was doing wrong ;)

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  25. *Cackles* They should give you your own telly show!

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  26. Bloody laughing my tits off at this one, especially seeing as how shit my blog is, I've never seen the top 1000 never mind the top 100, but note to fellow bloggers, it doesn't matter, because I still got an invite to a swanky posh hotel to schmooz with a celebrity last week, so it can happen to you too!

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