Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Before Your Child Turns 2

Terrible two's are a terrible affliction. I am currently living through terrible two's number two.

My youngest is close behind being one next week.

Terrible two's?

More like Twatting Two's
So here I am going through this for the second time. I got through it first time and no doubt I will survive this. Below I have prepared a guide, a list of things for you to do before your child turns 2.

In preparation...

1. Invite a Friend To The Toilet

You will never pee alone. Poo? Forget it.

To prepare yourself for this inevitable intrusion, whilst having coffee with your friend, invite them to the toilet with you. A simple "Shall we go to the loo together?" should suffice. As they follow you to the toilet, looking slightly bewildered, mis-read that for excitement.

As they sit and watch you sat on the loo, start shouting at them for unravelling the toilet roll like an Andrex puppy (even though they aren't) and pee as fast as you can to get out of there.

Wash your friends hands for them using soap, to set a good example.

2. Throw Random Items Into Your Shopping Trolley

Do your full shop, and for the last ten minutes don't look at what you are putting in. Reach out haphazardly onto the shelves and throw in whatever. Don't check what you have until you have paid for and bagged the items.

The Kinder Egg, tube of Tunes, Tena-Man and tinned mushrooms will come in handy at some point...

3. Buy 'The Best of Peppa Pig' on DVD

If such a thing exists. You may as well get used to the portly porker. Put in on repeat. Then take it out of the player, and scratch it to f*ck with your own nail.

Pop it back in. Learn the Bing Bong Song, as sung by Madame Gazelle.

Sing it. Cry incessantly until it gets back to that point, and scream at the top of your voice when the DVD skips because of the scratches.

There, there.

Mummy Pig says everything will be OK.

4. Be The Perfect Host

Invite your family round for afternoon tea.

Make tea by putting the cups in a cold oven. Serve up empty plates.

Insist that your mother play-drinks the tea. If she is slightly bemused by your request, simply scream in her face, and show her the imaginary jam-on-toast masterpiece you made in the power-less microwave earlier.

Shout at the top of your voice "You EAT it RIGHT NOW!"

That will learn them.

5. Wake Up EARLY

Wake up inexplicably at 3.00am. Roll over, nudge your other half. If that doesn't work put your feet in his face. If this doesn't work, pick up his deodorant, get annoyed because you can't spray it and donk him on the head with it.

Then bang on all the walls in the house with a toy kettle.


Then sing the Bing Bong song at the top of your voice.

The early bird catches the erm...Pig?

I linked this up with the Bad Mums Club from Morgana at But Why Mummy Why - I reckon I would be dead proud to join the Bad Mums Club... :)



  1. Hilarious! We welcome you with open arms! ;-) x

  2. My daughter never went through the terrible twos. But my son, at 22 months old, is definitely going through it early. Twatting indeed!

  3. ahahhaa love it! I also love the name twatting two's - what can we refer to the three-nager's as?! I hate that I know all the words to the Bing Bong song...

  4. lol! So funny. Actually not that funny now I think about it. My only question is why does terrible twos seems to start at 1.5 and go on till 3.5. Both my children seem to be in thick of it now. 'That's just their personality, you say?' *bangs head against wall repeatedly*

  5. Brilliant! I am just heading into this - third child seems to be Turning early at 17 months... xx

  6. Let's Talk Mommy10 March 2014 at 20:35

    This is awesome I love it. Going through twatting twos right now and one to follow next year. awww two under two I have double twatting going on. Hilarious I love it.


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