Thursday, 20 February 2014

I Clearly OWN the Gym

I have been a member of my local gym for FOUR (4) days now. That clearly makes me suitably qualified to write this kind of post. I understand the ways of the gym. I know the do's and don'ts and all that crap. Save me the drama, meat-heads - I know what I'm on about.



So here are a few of my expert observations about the gym and general musings. I hope you enjoy them.

Joining Up

The woman wished me good luck. Good luck?

Is she calling me fat?

Bitch.

The Front Door Issue

Yes - I know that it says Push, I never PULL it. That would just be stupid. I also know that you have to swipe your card until it bleeps and not keep hovering it over the sensor, and pushing the door with all your might - body flailing into it like a dead weight, "This frigging thing is broke."

Nope.

Not me.


Kit

Frigging kit indeed. I have a pair of those trainers (or trainees if you live near me) that automatically exercise your legs. Even when you're sat down. At least that is my understanding. I'm just waiting on the arrival of my spectacularly shapely calves.

My top says BOOM KAPOW. And I always wear a hoodie, long sleeves - does every woman shave under their arms before they go to the gym?

Errr...yep, me too. Always.

My leggings are erm...nice. And I always wear odd socks. It's OK don't worry about me, I'm cool enough to pull this shit off.

Machines

I know EXACTLY how to use the machines, you don't even need to advise me Mr Sweaty-Pants. I know when to push and pull, and no, I never get startled when I press the GO button on the running machine and do a little jump and make a yelp.

Nope. Not me.

Sweat

I understand sweat etiquette. I know that I'll sweat and I am totally prepared. What's that dripping on the machine? Oooh is it water? Maybe the machine is leaking it's acid? Nope.

Sweat.

I would already know that, and would have caught that shit and wiped it up before it even dripped.

Fitness People

Yes, just as Alan Partridge had his 'sex people' - I know the 'fitness people.' They are the ones who look dead sexy even when they sweat, even when they are doing weights - they don't bust a gut or anything.

I want to walk up to them and say "Oi you...have you ever been a fatty?"

I want them to say "Yes Kerrie, we all started out as fat as you, and now we're sexy. It will only take you three months."

And then I'll be a fitness person, and I will have tone, and triceps.

And a tan.








3 comments:

  1. And this sort of post is exactly why I nominated you in the MADS.

    Thank you for making my tired face smile x

    ReplyDelete
  2. WifeMumStudentBum20 February 2014 at 22:31

    Thank you lovely. I enjoy writing these type of posts the best :) x

    ReplyDelete
  3. www.expatbabyadventures.com21 February 2014 at 09:26

    LOL, haha I love this. Now where can i get a pair of those trainee's that exercise you whilst sitting on yer arse?????

    ReplyDelete

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