Monday, 3 February 2014

5 Definite Benefits to Having Children

Are the kids driving you mad? Mr Tumble blaring out of the TV, laptop emitting the adorable and yet oh-so irritating tones of Peppa Pig's Bing Bong Song? One baby on your knee, toddler "tidying" the house and bringing you pretend hot drinks from time-to-time, all the while you just want a real glass of wine cup of tea.

If this is you, don't despair. I have compiled a handy go-to list. Five actual benefits to having children. When you are feeling overwhelmed with the madness of your adorable, annoying munchkins, just flick back over the list. You'll wonder why you ever felt frazzled with them at all.

1. It's OK to be Disgraceful

Do you secretly like picking our nose? Maybe you do it in secret, not necessarily in full view of the world. Well now, you get to pick an extra one - no shame involved. Kids are snotty little creatures, and constantly need nasal-attention. Pick the massive crusted bogey out of your little cherub's nose so that it can breathe properly.

There.

How satisfying was that? Baby feels better too - you're an excellent parent!

2. Let Your Kids Tell Truths You Have Been Conditioned to Ignore

Everyone knows that kids just say it like it is. They are like little mini drunken versions of you. It's OK if your toddler tells a female relative with a very short skirt on to 'put some pants on.'

It's fine.

She's a baby, she doesn't know.

*stifles snigger*

3. Modern Songs? Oh Yes - You're Down With The Kids

As we get older we start feeling that little bit removed from popular culture. Maybe we look back to the music of our era and get a bit stuck. Not with kids!

Rosie is teething and I have watched Miley Cyrus' Wrecking Ball 17 times in one night. I have seen Miley Cyrus' cooch more times than I have seen my own. Her underboob is more familiar to me than mine.

But let's face it after three kids it's not like my underboob exposure is going to be much of an issue, right?

When Will I Am and Miley look in the mirror and see 'da shit'. We see 'da poop.'

We are so frigging cool, it's untrue.

4. It's OK...You Don't Have To Party...

As we get older we do get a bit sick  of going out, fake nails, fake tan, fake lashes. It all wears a bit thin after a while. Guess what, now is the time to just be yourself.

You don't need to go out to posh bars and clubs. Do you know where you are going on a Friday night?

I'll tell you where.

You are going to Tesco. Or Asda. I'm not lying. Friday night you nip to the supermarket, just to get out of the house. Babies are teething, trashing the house. Take them to everything-under-one-roof-food-emporium. Bright lights and yellow sticker mark-downs are all yours.

It is not just me who does this. Next time you're at the supermarket - look around. Plenty of Mums and Dads with their toddlers in sheep onesies, dragging them round in a vain attempt to get them to nod off.

And if that doesn't work, at least you have an excuse to buy Rusks.

And Rusks are ace.

5. You Do Have Talent...

Think that you haven't got a creative bone in your body? Are you useless at crafting and scoff at your mother crocheting a scarf?

Uh oh.

You will realise the exceptional talent you have in your parenting bones just waiting to escape. When you have kids, you will want to knit, sew, crochet. You want to keep your babies safe and warm in the only way that knitted goods can do.

Keep an eye out for the crazed feminists chasing you down the street as you lug your knitting bag about. What has happened to your life, I thought you were trying to keep women away from the kitchen and gender stereotypes?

I'm just knitting my kids some snoods and cardis love, I'm still fighting the good fight, I promise.

2 comments:

  1. And you get to painstakingly reorganise the playmobil when they go to bed ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ha! Very funny. Great post, Loving the 'fighting the good fight'. I tell myself that a lot when labouring over the housework.

    ReplyDelete

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