I don't blog about work. I like my job. I realise I am lucky. I usually get in work for around 7am. This is great for me so I can leave a bit earlier, but I still have all the quiet time in the morning to get through a lot of work.
So it's all cool.
If you start work as early as me (you're bonkers) here are some fantastic helpful life hints to set you on the right track.
Let's hear it for 5.30am get ups!
1. The Darkness
Are you scared of the dark? Tough luck, sweet cheeks. You are setting off for work when it is dark, and then coming home from work when it is dark too. Just get used to it. Want a torch? Don't do it, you will look like an idiot, and besides you'll be fine.
Unless your husband decides to come out to the car to tell you you forgot your phone, you've got your back to him as you fiddle with the key in the car door. You hear footsteps, turn round in the pitch black.
It's not a ghost. It is in fact your husband.
He's wearing your pink fluffy dressing gown. In the dark. Handing you your phone.
Nice one, knobhead.
You could get annoyed at this, or you cry all the way to work with laughter. From erm...experience, I'd say go with option b. Nutcase.
2. The Roads
The roads will be nice and quiet at this early hour. Do you think that it is safer? No, it's not. There is ALWAYS someone in a fast car who wants to go forever faster than you. Relax, it's 5.30am, you have plenty of time to get to work.
Let them overtake you.
And then roll up to the traffic lights on red alongside them, flick the gear stick into second as the lights change, and over take the pillock.
It's the little things people, the little things.
3. Parking Your Car
What a beautiful sight to behold. An empty multi-storey car park. Are you rubbish at reversing? Do you just NEVER attempt reversing because you will be embarrassed at how bad you are?
It's 7am, there is no one about. Just pull forward into the spot directly outside the door. No reversing, no messing about. Watch out for small, almost invisible dividing posts.
If you catch your car on one of them you are absolutely going to scratch your car to shit. Or if you are in your husband's car, then you are going to scratch his car to shit. Have I done this?
4. Mid Morning Slump
Around about 11am your body is going to be so tired. You will have done LOADS of work because it was so quiet from 7am. FIGHT that urge to nod off. You must re-charge. Go for a walk, or make some office gossip up. Leave your desk for ten minutes and get moving. Go on the dinner time health walk. If you ask really nicely the woman might let you wear the high vis tabard with "WALK LEADER" plastered across the back. Again this is something I may or may not have done...
5. Home Sweet Home
By now your eyes are rolling in your head. Knackered. Shattered. Pooped.
But you still have to drive home, soldier, suck it up.
Glass of water before you leave. Coffee in a travel cup.
Motorway eyes drooping? Simply slap yourself in the face for five miles.