The main thing is: Get the kids ready first. They have school, and nursery. They have fans and appreciation societies who NEED to coo and make a fuss of them. The Alice McGiveron Appreciation Society (TAMAS) already has fully paid-up members. They must look immaculate. So when they look all beautiful like this:
and you look like this:
No one will care because your kids are so well groomed. Follow my step-by-step guide to grooming yourself in the morning. Be sure to pay attention to each step, and remember, the kids are all ready and strapped in their buggy so you can just focus on YOU.
- Because you took so long grooming and preening the kids, you have about 3 minutes left to get YOU ready. Drag on those old leggings that you've worn for two days. You know, the ones with the weird stain on. (My stain of choice is bleach, always a Mum's favourite - bit like a battle scar.) Leggings will look fine with anything and hide your mummy-tummy. Elasticated waists are the way forward. Do it.
2. Put your bra on in the most un-sexy way ever. Just put it on like a T-Shirt. You don't have time for clasps, and you know that you just slung it off clasps attached the night before. Even if it's clean it's still got the clasps secured. Ain't nobody got time to undo that shit.
3. Just fling any old T-Shirt/dress on. Best to put one on longer than your leggings. Your leggings have probably seen you through pregnancy and other horrendous feats - best to put a long top on to cover the thread-bare bits on your bum. Even your Boom! Kapow! one will do. Or even one of your husband's with The Who or some other band that you're not really into on.
Break time: Check on the kids, just look downstairs and you'll see they're all strapped in. Fruit, milk and a naked JLS doll will keep them happy for the next couple of minutes while you just PAMPER your damn self.
4. Socks. Any socks. Odd? Yes, all the time. Just put them on.
5. Now for your face and hair. You haven't got time for contact lenses, and besides your eyes are stingy because it's morning. Splash your face with cold water and put your glasses on. They are probably wonky and scratched because the babies will have trashed them at some point. It doesn't matter just go with it.
Your hair is quite the conundrum. That big bun thing on top of your head is in fashion now. You know the type.
You could go for a perfectly round bun, you know with one of them donut-shaped things.But given the time you've got, you'll more than likely just end up with this:
6. Brush your teeth. And always know that brushing your teeth takes you longer than all of these other stages. This trampy newborn/toddler/maternity leave or whatever is just a short phase in your life. One day you will be fabulous again, so take care of your teeth, moisturise your face and you can pick up where you left off once the kids are feeding and dressing themselves.
Are you kidding me??
8. Drink a small bottle of water. You've no time for breakfast and you're probably walking a bit of a distance for the 'school run'. (Run???) So hydrate yourself, breakfast can wait. Be careful not to spill it on yourself.
9. Throw on a jacket. Because you're rushing it will probably be an inappropriate one. Hot outside? Put your parka on. Sunny? Rain jacket. Pissing it down? Leave the jacket, it looks sunny outside. Whichever one you pick will be the wrong one. Get used to it.
10. Throw a pair of shoes on and you're good to go. Always pick trainers. Safe bet. Sandles in the rain, anyone??
So you're done and there's your guide. If you see me trudging through the rain wearing sandals and my Boom Kapow vest - take pity on me. Buy me a coffee and tell me everything is going to be OK. Oh and don't forget to pay your subscription to the Appreciation Societies. Always the Appreciation Societies...
Here is our short video about this post. One Direction may sue me for copyright and stuff, I don't know the rules on using their songs. Oooh if they do maybe I'll get to meet them. I'd like to stroke Harry Styles' hair and squeeze his cheeks. THE CHEEKS ON HIS FACE, perverts!
Disclaimer: I was not paid to do this post. I never get paid to do posts. If I did they would probably be better than this. Funnier. And definitely sexier.