Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Tips To Deal With Your Teen

There is an almost-teenager in this house. We'll call her Em (because that's her name.)  Emily likes Snapchat, Minecraft and Hollyoaks.

Snapchat, Minecraft and Hollyoaks. That is the extent of her interests at this time. She doesn't like any other following:

School or any kind of "work"
Moving of any kind is a particular inconvenience
Anything that doesn't involve an iPhone is "boring"
Everyone in our family. We're all in her way. Especially me. I am the evil bitch mother from HELL. (Naurally)

And so, I consider myself an expert in teen-management. Here are my tips for other parents who are also in this new fresh type of hell that you didn't think you'd be in. 

Since when did the parenting rule-book have a clause in that said "Your child will adore you until they are twelve and three-quarters. Then they will loathe you for the foreseeable future." ?

Anyway, tips.

1) Avoid All Conflict

They hate you and they want to fight you. They want to have an argument. They wake up in the morning and if you are there, breathing - they hate it. Remove yourself from the situation. In case of any attack, stay calm. Here is an example.

"Why is there NOTHING to eat in this house?"

"There is bread for toast, cereal in the cupboard"

"THERE IS NEVER ANYTHING I LIKE TO EAT IN EVER IN THIS HOUSE!!!"

"ok"

Say it just like that. A lower case "ok" will suffice. Fight that urge to absolutely bollock them for being the most ungrateful spiteful child you ever laid eyes on. Fight the urge and be nice.



2) Be Passive-Aggressive

Sometimes this can work. Sometimes it is funny. Be careful, friend. Tread lightly, read the situation. Passive aggressive can fall flat on its face and then you are straight back to being the PARENT FROM THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL.

Here is an example:



3) Do It Yourself

If the atmosphere is somewhat tense between you and your teen (for no reason at all, other than you're breathing, naturally.) Don't waste your time asking them to do something for you. Whether it's tidying their room, making a coffee or just passing the salt at the dinner table. DON'T DO IT, I implore you. I know that they have to learn to be usual human beings, but when that mood is there, you can't reason with them or teach them SHIT. If you ask them to do something the answer will be this, I guarantee:



4) Punishment

What can you do? Take their phone off them? Maybe. You can ground them. I just find this causes more problems, (Before you call me weak and soft, I'm not, I'm the bitch mum from hell, remember.)  I just prefer to wait until the mood passes. Because it does pass. It comes back though, don't get comfy.


5) Breathe. It is NORMAL

I'm assured that all of this behaviour is normal. I even watched old episodes of Harry Enfield to remind myself that yes, teens are just, well....dicks.

You just have to ride it out. Until they come back to you. I've been told this happens.

*BRACES SELF FOR YEARS OF HELL.*

Monday, 2 May 2016

"Arghh! Scared-a-me!"

Do you "keep" made up words or phrases that your children invent as babies and then use them forever?

We do.

Our favourite one is this:

"Arghh! Scared-a-me!"

How you say it: Emphasis on the "Arghh!" is essential. Like a faux sense of shock or fear. Scared-a-me is pretty much one word. So now you've got it.

Argh!! Scared-a-me! Rosie!


Rosie invented this little cracker when she was about 18 months old. Here are the instances in which Argh! Scared-a-me! was used:

* A fly buzzing around her head
* A loud car alarm startling her
* A sudden increase in TV volume

You get the message.

However, we have now taken Argh Scared-a-me to whole new levels of expression. Here are the ways in which we now use it:

1) There is no wine left in the house:


2) I see the contents of my vacuum cleaner bag



3) The house is a tip



4) Potty training is just not working




5) Lo and behold. The house is clean.





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